Potentially Lethal
by FHT3rdandCo
Summary: When South Park is thrown into chaos, yet again,  the town must turn to their single icon of hope remaining  after Captain Hindsight's retirement, Mysterion! K2. Humor.


_((A/N: Do not judge meh for the shittyness of this fic x33 lol it was written on random inspiration and makes very little sense. I decided 'meh, why not clog the internet with meh crappy un-edited randomness?' and here we are... x3_

_Disclaimer: I don't own South Park))_

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><p><strong>Death Via Love<br>**

_This love will be the death of me._

With that single flippant thought he resisted the tear that threatened his peace so strongly. The thought of loving someone a little too much for anything he could ever want.

Or at least he would feel teary if the mere thought of being pussy enough to cry over some retarded crush didn't bring bile to his throat. He might not be the toughest kid out there but he wasn't Stan fucking Marsh.

Kenneth McCormick had lived his life sure of three things. The first being that dying is painful, the second that Eric Cartman is possibly the spawn of the devil (sadly if he didn't know the actual spawn of the devil personally he would have no doubt of this), and finally he was sure that irony had a control on life that a person could never hope to achieve.

Really it was like his entire life was a satire written by geezers with nothing better to do with their lives than to use adorable children to mock life.

Not that he was small or adorable anymore. The years had made him, in his own words, 'gods gift to sex' and 'unimaginably hot'. These words of course were normally muffled as he felt no need to bless others with the sexiness that he seemed to be _crafted_ from unless they_ really_ deserved it.

This was the McCormick's very round about way of avoiding his average appearance and terminal shyness. He figured if one said it enough, it was bound to come true. And really narcissism was _way_ more fun than reality. Especially when in reality he had a very hard time showing his face ever out of shot nerves.

(not to say Kenny was bad looking but he certainly wasn't the best looking guy on the block. The _best _looking guy on the block was one Token Black who had proven to be very attractive, intelligent, and athletic with age)

The problem with being Kenneth McCormick wasn't his feigned narcissism though, nor his close relation to the spawn of the devil(both the real one and the one really ought to be), heck it wasn't even the horrid irony that controlled his life.

…okay maybe it was the irony.

Because the irony was what made this situation so _very _tragic.

_No, seriously, this love is going to off me at least once… actually I think it has once already. Goddammit._

For the record, Kenny is a rather big fan of boobs. Boobs and asses and vagina's. All three appealed to him quite a bit. And it just was not fair to have to give them up! Nope, not at all.

The problem with giving them up was he was doing it _willingly_ and _without an actually logical reason_.

It was just really hard to enjoy a really hot girl when the mind keeps drifting to a body part that just doesn't belong on the female body. It's even harder when the motive for this is a person that just _can't_be cut out of his life.

Oh and he's tried. Not particularly for the love of 'poo-tang' but more because he'd figured distance would do him some good. He was way too hot for his friends anyway!

And the problem lies with… well… it was just too hard! Why distance oneself from the object of ones affection when you were free to ogle them day in and day out at the current distance.

_Yeah… I'm pretty sure he's murdered me at least twice._

Essentially Kenny was a boy who really lacked the self control to walk away from his lifelong friends (even if they were douchebags) and just a bit shyer than he'd admit to.

That was beside the point, Kenny decided, the point right now was the angry teen in front of him.

See it was a bit complicated this month, Kenny corrected himself, see it's South Park and thereby complicated by nature and well Kenny had up and died again. Pretty normal for South Park except when he was resurrected no one had a recollection of him not dying. So after being treated like a ghost/zombie by his elder brother he decided to go to the source of the problem.

Eric Cartman had not, despite his earlier accusation, been the source, but the fat bastard had proven useful. As it turns out the asshole had always known about Kenny's 'problem' but never actually cared enough to approach it. He'd also figured everyone knew and just didn't give a fuck because Kenny's poor.

Oh yeah, Kenny had to hand to his self proclaimed 'BFF', he was a real fucking douchebag.

But aside from Eric's predictable asshol-ary he had still been able to shine some insight on the matter.

As it turned out Kenny had died just in time for an evil overlord to come into power by the name of Professor Chaos. Now Kenny would have found this a laughable threat all things considered but as it turned out Butter's had someone truly demented pulling his strings.

Herbert Garison had gotten it into his mind to tap into some black magic of some kind for some (probably retarded) evil ploy and was using Butter's general desire for destruction Mr. Garison planned to brainwash all of South Park into obedient slaves.

Apparently one of the side effects was that those who didn't already know about Kenny's 'problem' would be unable to just forget about Kenny's death like normal.

What did any of this have to do with the pissed redhead in front of him?

Well Kenny had figured the only way to take down Professor Chaos was to once more don his super hero identity (because it was way too much of a hassle to walk down the street with everyone freaking out over a zombie invasion) and attempt to stop Professor Chaos and reverse the effects of the brainwashing thereby saving the town from certain doom.

(luckily Cartman had no interest in Mr. Garison or Professor Chaos, muttering something about the cats being in danger and he wasn't about to get involved with those douchebags when he had so much more important things on his plate; like cheesypoofs)

He had forgotten that a choice selection of people was actually aware of Mysterion's true identity and one redhead was _unbelievably _pissed that someone was using his dead friend's secret identity. Something to do with raping the memory of his friend or having no respect for the dead or something retarded like that.

Really Kenny would have been touched if the murderous redhead didn't have him cornered in a dark alleyway.

Where was the irony? Well for starters he was about to be killed in defense of his own death. Mostly he focused on the part where he was too busy admiring the boy's general attractiveness to summon the energy to run away.

Normally he wouldn't have such a terrible case of 'love struck' that he would rather stare than escape with his coveted life but there were a few aspects that caused him to pause. Mainly it was that the month of being dead plus the week of playing caped crusader had given him a total of thirty-six days without seeing his crush at all when he was used to being separated for no longer than a few days at a time. He had in the past spent longer away but this was the longest in three years that he'd gone without his infatuation.

Distance does in fact make the heart grow fonder.

The biggest problem was that the teenager had gone and created a rebel group with Stan against the evil tyranny of Mr. Garison. (they had apparently learned of the plot in its early stages thanks to one Wendy Testaburger's amazing spying skills… in other words the teacher had explained his plot to the fourth grade class he was now teaching and Wendy had been a TA for the class)

So of course to fit the image of a rebel group they all had make over's to look more badass.

(sometimes Kenny seriously questioned their sexuality… then he remembered he was wearing tights with his underwear on the outside and questioned no more)

Kyle was currently known as 'Triple J'(he hadn't chosen his own codename) and adorned hair gel and bare arms. It just wasn't something Kenny had a chance to see often so he had to get a good look.

Kyle snarled at the 'super hero' gawking at him, "What are ya looking at, asshole?"

(Kenny mentally thanked the sky that Kyle hadn't referred to him as Cabbage)

Kenny weighed his options, on one hand Kyle had no idea who he was and thereby he _could_, theoretically, say whatever the hell he wanted. On the other hand he could just try to escape with his life.

Kenny's hormones won. (as they often do)

_I am a dead man_, Kenny smirked in a way that only superheroes could pull off, A very, very, happy dead man.

Approaching the pissed Jew with all the cocky attitude that God's Gift To Sex should posses, noting mildly that Kyle looked about ready to kill him if he tried anything, he leaned forward to Kyle's ear.

"Wouldn't you like to know."

The husky whisper almost lost all coolness due to Kyle's ridiculously fast response time and the superhero almost lost his head (since when did Kyle carry a pocket knife?) but Kenny had accounted for immediate death and had escaped reach milliseconds before his life would have ended.

With one last look at the pissed teen (Kenny noted that he should probably get a picture, after this all blows over Kyle would most definitely go back to jackets and ushika's over punk jewelry and ripped jeans) Mysterion sent him a knowing smirk and proceeded to disappear via climbing a nearby fire escape.

"That bastard!"

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><p><em>((Ending Notes: x3 lol, does this even make enough sense to be continued? It was fun to write though so it twas worth it x33<br>_

_-a random Muse.))_


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